Bathroom Attendants

I don’t need any help in the bathroom. Trust me.

I’ve been doing well since I was about 6 or 7 probably. I haven’t spoken to my parents about this specifically, but my guess is that the biggest challenge was hitting the watery part of the toilet on a consistent basis. I wouldn’t be surprised if they threw in some Cheerios from time to time to assist, but this is just a guess.

And I’ll take a bigger leap and speculate that most other guys (and ladies) do just fine in the bathroom ALONE. So why do some places have these bathroom attendants there? It is a serious source of anxiety for me and it must stop.

Why? There are many reasons, but I will list just a few:

1) Quite simply, I don’t need any help getting to the toilet. I can find my way to the appropriate porcelain receptacle just fine. If I feel pressure in the front, I go to the ones on the wall. If I feel pressure in the back, I go  to the one behind the door.

2) While standing at a urinal, I don’t like the idea of a dude standing behind me….waiting for me to finish peeing. We all have different techniques and patterns in the bathroom and I don’t want to be judged. I’m not a fly-guy and I don’t want this dude to know my technique for de-dripping and zipping. It’s the simple.

3) I can wash my own hands. I certainly don’t need you to squirt soap in my hands for me and hand me a towel. I got it covered.

4) Don’t need your cologne offerings either. I planned ahead and put cologne on this morning. And if I hadn’t, I certainly wouldn’t be tapping into your Drakkar Noir or Hai Karate to impress some lady. Pretty sure if I’m coming here from the gym, I’ve got other issues.

And then there is the worst part. The part that (even if 1-4 were not issues) will consume my brain for the entire time I’m at the urinal….tip, or don’t tip….what do I do? It’s an awkward situation. One of two things usually happens for me. If I know that there is an attendant prior to going in, I will occasionally grab a single from my wallet and put it into my shirt pocket for and easy hand-off on the way out. However, if I did NOT know the attendant was there, I now have to rifle through my wallet in the hopes of finding a single. And the wallet most often has 10-20 random denomination bills that just got fanned out, as if to say, “I’ve got a shit-ton of cash, but I’m searching for a lone dollar for you.”


So what is the motivation on the part of the establishment to offer such services? Do they think a customer will choose their location over another due to the extra services being offered? It’s not like they’re offering blowjobs through a glory-hole. THAT would get me back over and over again. Something to consider if I ever open a place.


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