Coffee Isn’t Always Coffee

Coffee + cream = coffee

Coffee + cream + sugar = coffee

But, does coffee + sugar + cream +egg + (being frozen) = coffee? Because, some would call that coffee ice cream!

I can’t help but notice that the “coffee” that I order at Starbucks has more and more non-coffee flavorings and that seems to push it in the direction of being another not-yet-defined drink that has coffee in it, but is not coffee. I mean, since when does the mere fact that a food or drink item contains a particular food or drink element make it that native item? For example, is apple pie an apple because it has apple in it? Is it bread because it has flour in it? No one would ever say yes to either of those statement (well someone would, but I’d kick them in the nuts after they said it).

So, getting back to my coffee. Even Starbucks calls these “espresso drinks.” As if they know that there will be a pending lawsuit. But how often do you hear someone say, “let’s go to Starbucks and get some espresso beverages?” If anyone ever said that (and I’m guessing no one has EVER said those words together prior to this writing), they would get stares like they just let out a squeaker in church. That Salted Caramel Mocha you just order has 420 calories. A basic coffee has 5 calories! FIVE CALORIES! “LET’S GO TO STARBUCKS AND GET FATTY FAT FAT!” My guess is that each Starbucks sells about 3 cups of coffee a day. All 3 are sold to some old men with dentures and a hip replacement who take their coffee to go so they can complain about the young whipper snappers in Starbucks who order fucking desserts to drink.

There is a seemingly fine line between food definitions that we don’t really pay attention to. Besides the aforementioned coffee example, we  have Go-Gurt which is officially called yogurt in the store even though it is in a tube and contains 12+ ingredients. Um, hello! Basic yogurt contains TWO INGREDIENTS….milk and bacteria. Now, I’m not suggesting that anyone likes basic, simple, unsweetened, fruit-free yogurt that you have to use with a primitive spoon (the nerve!), but at some point we need to call a product what it is based on it’s primary ingredient.

Put enough other shit on a pizza besides tomato sauce and cheese (think Hawaiian pizza which is a suck-ass excuse for a pizza) and it’s no longer pizza. It’s something else and it just happens to have a big slab of bread underneath it.

So let’s please be careful with the names of the foods and drinks we consume. Food confusion is a terrible thing.


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